


honk if you're horny

by Dresupi



Series: Fool Me Once; Fool Me Twice (April Fool's Crack Smut) [4]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Bad Puns, Bike Horn, Blow Jobs, Crack, Darcyland April Fool's Smut Challenge, F/M, Horniness, Oral Sex, Pietro is kind of a troll but we all love it, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Smut, This whole fic is a bad pun, Tony Stark Does What He Wants
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-04
Updated: 2017-04-04
Packaged: 2018-10-14 19:32:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10543092
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dresupi/pseuds/Dresupi
Summary: Tony comes up with a terrible solution to not-that-big of a problem.  Darcy and Pietro use his solution against him with unforseen results.Written for the Darcyland April Fool's Smut Challenge, Day 4: Must include a bike horn.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Unbetaed. Oops.
> 
> Read about the Smut Challenge [here](http://dresupi.tumblr.com/post/157863665183/hey-guys-have-you-ever-wanted-a-reason-to)

 

When he kissed her, it was like a shock of electricity.  Because when Pietro kissed Darcy, he used his whole body.  

His hands tended to remain snugly on her waist, but sometimes, they’d roam around to squeeze her ass.  His hips would press forward against hers, simulating an act that they performed quite frequently.    His lips themselves would be nipping and pulling at hers, driving her hormones into a frenzy with just the briefest of touches.  

He’d moan, low in the back of his throat, the sound reaching her ears and rumbling through her veins.  Making the kisses she gave him more hungry.  

His kisses were perfect.  

The problem was...he generally gave them in public.  Not with people around, but when they lived in a place like the Avengers complex, in fairly close quarters with the rest of the Avengers, people sometimes showed up in the middle of a smooch-sesh, and they usually weren’t too keen on it continuing once they arrived.  

“Get a room,” Clint groaned, walking past them and clipping Pietro in the shoulder.  

“We have one,” Darcy said quietly.  Her voice was still ragged from her boyfriend stealing her breath a few seconds before.  

“So use it.”  

“God, sue me for wanting to say goodbye to my boyfriend…” She grumbled under her breath.  

Pietro pressed a peck to her lips before zipping over to steal the milk out of Clint’s hand.  “I apologize for the PDA.” 

“It’d be fine if it didn’t look like you were trying to climb into each other through your mouths…”  was Clint’s reply.  

“Were they dry humping in the common room again?”  Tony asked, entering the room and the conversation without so much as a greeting to anyone in it.  

All three of them made a face in his direction.  

“It’s never that bad, Tony…” Clint said quickly.  “I just feel like it’s high school, is all.  Piet and Darce are making out in front of my locker.  If my locker was every single place I go.”  

“Sorry…” Darcy pushed off the counter.  “We’ll keep it to our apartment.  I wasn’t aware it was so  _ very _ disgusting.”  

“Hey now, don’t get offended…” Clint countered.  “It’s decidedly not disgusting.”  

Pietro was sipping out of the milk jug with an amused expression on his face.  Of course this wouldn’t bother him in the slightest.  

“No, it’s not disgusting.  It’s hot,” Natasha continued, grabbing the milk from Pietro and shoving a glass into his hand.  

“Where did you even come from?”  Tony asked, frowning in confusion as he tried to ascertain from what direction the master assassin had entered from.  

“I’m everywhere,” Natasha replied ominously before returning to the topic at hand.  “But the problem isn’t that it’s gross.  It’s hot and not everyone here has someone.”  

Darcy sighed.  “So we’re turning everyone on with our steamy kisses?”  

Pietro snickered from behind his glass of milk.  “I’m a master of steamy kisses.”  

“The problem here is that this is primarily a work space, and the kisses are kind of getting in the way of that.  So I’ve implemented a solution.  Starting immediately after I finish this sentence…” Tony swiped around on his Stark Phone.  “There.  Now, whenever F.R.I.D.A.Y senses that you two are getting frisky anywhere besides your apartment,  _ this _ sound will play…”  He swiped again and a loud honking sound played throughout the P.A system.  Reminiscent of a bike horn.  

Darcy groaned.  “Are you  _ kidding  _ me right now?  A bike horn?”  

“Okay, I know it sounds dumb,but hear me out…”  Tony played the sound again.  “You hate the sound, right?   _ Negative reinforcement _ . Also, a pun.  Because it plays when you guys are getting ‘horn-y’.  Get it?”  

Pietro snorted.  “Tony, if that sound played every time I was horny, it would do nothing but.”  

“That…” Tony said with a flourish, “Is your business.  But you guys playing tonsil hockey in the common area is ours.”  

“This is kind of rude and horrible…” Darcy said under her breath.  She took a step back from the group of people.  “I’mma go process this…”  

“Can you process it  _ and _ go over the itinerary for the next mission?” Clint asked hopefully.  

“Yeah, sure.”  She sighed internally and made her way to her office.  

Pietro cut her off in the hallway.  “Are you alright,  _ princeza _ ?”  

She shrugged and kept walking.  “My feelings are kinda hurt.”  

He snorted.  “Stark’s an asshole.”  

“I know that, and funnily enough, my feelings are still hurt.”  

Pietro reached for her hand.  “Let’s just...do it  _ more _ , eh?”  

“Right, and then all we’ll hear wherever we go is that dumb bike horn.”  

“Yes, but...all  _ they _ will hear is that dumb bike horn.  And they will grow to despise both the sound  _ and _ Stark in the process.  Instead of only the people in the same room knowing we are kissing, it will be everyone in the entire complex.”  He raised his eyebrows and folded his arms, looking all smug and adorable with his plan.    

“This low-key sounds like something an evil villain would do, not gonna lie, Piet.”  

Pietro shrugged.  “They take you for granted.  They hurt your feelings.  So, I will hurt their ears.  Tit for tat.”  

She had to giggle at that.  “You’re a good guy, you know that, right?”  

“I am not a good guy, but  _ you _ are amazing, so I have to keep up.”  He leaned down to kiss her, tentatively, waiting for the loud jarring bike horn to pierce the silence.  Nothing happened at first.  He slid his arms around her waist and she leaned against his body, parting her lips and sinking into the kiss.  

**_Heh-HONK!!!!_ **

They both jumped, chuckling a little because they’d both been expecting it, but it still surprised them.  They were treated to a chorus of groaning from the kitchen.  

“Okay, yeah...that’s fucking hilarious,” she said with a grin.  

“Good.  It please  _ me _ to please  _ you _ .  I love seeing you smile, Darcy.”  He tilted his head and kissed her again.  

* * *

**_Heh-HONK!!!  Heh-HONK!!!_ **

Sam groaned and dropped the weights he was using on the floor with a thump.  “Tony, for god’s sake, turn that off.  All it’s doing is making me mad at  _ you _ .  AND now I know they’re kissing every single time they do it.  Before it was just if I physically walked in on it.  And now, it’s all the damn time.  Do something.”  

Tony pressed his lips together, shaking his head.  “Look, they’ll stop soon.  It’s an annoying sound and sooner or later, they’ll break.”  

“Let’s hope they break before I do.  Because all I want right now, is to bash your head in with that fifteen over there…” Sam grumbled.    

“They will.  Soon.  They will.”  

Steve snorted back a laugh from his spot across the room.  “I don’t want to say ‘I told you so’…”  

“So maybe DON’T, Steve.  Maybe DON’T say it,” Tony grumbled.  

“It serves you right for trying to control people…” he added with a smug smile.  

**_Heh-HONK!!! Heh-HONK!!!_ **

“I’m not trying to control people.  I’m trying to maintain a positive work environment.”  

“Isn’t  _ maintain _ just a fancy word for  _ control _ ?” Sam asked before taking a sip from his water bottle.  

“This...is an ambush,” Tony said.  “Where’s Rhodey when I need him?”  

* * *

It took approximately three days of deafening bike horn sound effects before Tony gave up and uninstalled the program.  

Everyone breathed a little easier, and no one really cared if they saw Pietro and Darcy kissing in the common areas anymore.  

Of course, there were some lasting repercussions from their little revenge prank on Tony.  Nothing too terrible, but interesting nonetheless…

* * *

“You’re kidding me…” Darcy said slowly.  “You have GOT to be kidding me.”  

“I’m not!  It happens now! I’m broken or something…”  Pietro groaned, covering his face with his hands.  

“Well, I mean, it can’t be  _ too _ much of a problem...how often are you going to hear this on a daily basis?”  She swiped around on her phone, looking for her sound effects generator.  

“What are you doing?”  

“Testing it.  You tell me that bike horns get you hard and I’m not supposed to test it?”  

“That’s just cruel.  Getting me all worked up for an experiment…”  

She grinned and grabbed a pillow off the couch beside him.  “I’d never leave you hanging, Pietro…”  she winked and slid down onto the floor.  She pushed his legs apart and swiped again on her phone, the sound effect was loud and jarring.  And it made him jump.  

It made...other things happen too…

She placed her phone down on the couch beside him, her hand moving up into his lap to palm at his newly present erection.  “Bike horns, huh?”  

He rolled his eyes, his mouth falling open in a soft moan as she stroked him through his pants.  “Not so much the bike horn as how I was feeling when we heard it…”  

“I didn’t know kissing me got you so worked up…”  

“ _ You _ get me so worked up…” he let his head fall back on the sofa as she tugged gently on his waist band.  He rose up slightly, letting her pull his pants down around his thighs.  His underwear came with them and she wrapped her hand around his length, stroking softly as she rose up on her knees, getting into a comfortable position on the floor.  “This isn’t helping, by the way...I’m never going to hear that sound and not see you kneeling between my legs…”  

“Good...kind of like sexual Pavlov’s experiment on classical conditioning…”  

“Well, good luck with me from now on.  I’m conditioned to be horny when I hear a bike horn.”  His words ended in a garbled mess as she ran her tongue from the base to the tip of his cock.  She licked the bead of pre-cum before running her tongue around the head, wriggling it against the underside.  

She hummed, low in the back of her throat, like he was the best tasting thing she’d ever put in her mouth.  She hummed because it drove him  _ crazy _ and she knew it.  She looked up into his eyes, holding his gaze while she laved her tongue all over him. She held tightly at the base, marvelling in how hard and big he was.  “You taste so good…”  

“Fuck…” he swore and let his head fall back again, only to look back up as she started to suck him into her mouth.  She mouthed over the head, running her tongue into his slit before she began to move down his shaft.  

Darcy moved her fist to the base, holding him there as she slowly worked him into her mouth. She began to bob her head, moving her hand in time.  

Spit coated his cock and dribbled down over her fist as she moved.  

His hands were gripping the couch, and every so often, she looked up at him, keeping her gaze demure and innocent, even while she was fondling his balls and sucking him deeper into her throat.  

She held her breath, relaxing her jaw as she moved slowly down his shaft.  Inhaling through her nose one last time before she pressed onward.  It made her gag just a little bit. She moved her hand up over his hip when he jumped.  

Holding him there and swallowing around him, she heard him grunt and moan at the sensation.  He squirmed in the seat, his hands grasping for purchase on the couch cushions.  

Slowly, she pulled back, breathing in through her nose as she positioned herself in a more comfortable place.  Bobbing her head, she ran her tongue up the underside of his dick.  

His hands came to rest on the back of her head and he was mumbling under his breath.  Mostly in his mother tongue, which was pretty much the hottest thing ever.  She heard her name every so often. 

She released him, tightening her hand around the base of his cock as she kissed her way down to his balls.  Darcy stroked him quickly, her hand sliding in the saliva she’d left there.  Rubbing her thumb over the head made him jump slightly.  She lightly flicked her tongue around the base of his cock, teasing his balls just a little.  

“I love you...I love you…” he murmured.  “ _ Volim te,  _ Darcy…”  

God, he was perfect…

She moved back up, sucking him into her mouth again.  His hips bucked up towards her and everytime she glanced up at him, he looked that much more wrecked..  

“Close…” he whispered.  “I’m close…”  

She moved him back, bobbing her head as his hand tightened in her hair.  Moving him just to the back of her tongue when his shallow thrusts became more erratic.  The hot spurts of his release were swallowed down quickly.  And she gave him a few soft licks before releasing him.  

Pietro relaxed back on the couch, his dick going soft as she wiped her mouth, climbing back up to sit beside him.  

He wrapped his arms around her, collapsing against her body and kissing her hungrily.  “You are so fucking  _ good _ at that…”  

She grinned and ran her fingers through his hair.  “I’m glad you like what I do.”  

“I love what you do…”  

“As much as you love bike horns, or…”  

He snorted in laughter, his hand coming up to swat lazily at her ass. He missed, getting her upper thigh instead.  “Keep it up, I’ll get my second wind in a few minutes.”  

“Should I play the bike horn for you, or...was once enough?  Or  _ maybe _ I should buy the real thing, keep it on our bedside table.  Honk it when I want to hop on it?”  

His hand gripped roughly at her ass, pulling her down on the sofa beneath him.  “My mouth’s not tired,  _ princeza... _ maybe I’ll just spend some time between  _ your _ legs...have you begging  _ me _ for release?” 

“I think I’m gonna buy one.  Honk and hop sounds fun.  Kiss your neck, honk the horn, hop on your dick...”  

“Alright, that’s it…” he reached down to push down her panties, to duck his head under her skirt amid her giggles.  “My turn…”  

Fun fact, Darcy’s giggles started sound a LOT like moans when Pietro really got going.  

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on [tumblr](http://dresupi.tumblr.com/), if that's a thing you do. <3


End file.
